Bloodlust
by StripyRose
Summary: Gabriel is a vampire, working with a team of five humans in the military. Focusses on Gabriel's issues with bloodlust, and the lengths he goes to in order to avoid drinking blood, and his relationship with the humans in his team. Contains alcohol/drug abuse. Self harm. Guy on guy.
1. Chapter 1

Before you read this, I want to explain that I wrote this specifically to trigger myself. If you are in the position where you could possibly be triggered in any way by self-harm, drug or alcohol abuse, please don't read this. It's tailored to be triggering (for me, anyway).

I'm posting it because I want to see what people think of it… I've lost touch with reality a little bit, in my own problems, and posting this piece that I have used to trigger myself for a while is strangely soul-bearing for me. I think it's sort of about reaching out, but I don't really understand it.

Anyway, enjoy – Review if you have any real feelings about it. Xx

* * *

He had to tilt his head back and clench his throat muscles to keep the whiskey down as he took another gulp. The blood-lust was making him sick. He wasn't sure anymore whether the world was reeling as a result of starvation or drunkenness, but it didn't really matter to him; what mattered was that the pain was bearable. Bearable – not gone. He wanted it gone, and for the first time in months he had the opportunity to drink himself senseless without worrying about the humans being attacked.

Closing his eyes, Gabriel drank deeply from the bottle he held clutched in one trembling hand. He finished it within a minute and threw it to one side where the glass smashed against the stone wall of the fort.

He wiped his mouth clean with one clumsy hand, tilting his head back to rest against the wall he was leaning on to wait for the alcohol to take effect.

It was far too slow for his liking. Slow and not as powerful as other drugs… like vermillion, or heroin. Or even just cocaine. He would have settled for any of those in that moment. He rolled his head to one side to press a feverish cheek against the cool stone of the fort wall and breathed in deeply, focussing blearily on a small piece of moss just a few centimetres from his eyes. The liquor was no-where near enough to eradicate the pain that was crawling beneath his skin.

He considered going to get his stash from where it was buried in the bottom of one of the saddlebags. But they had been taken indoors and into the rooms they had been given, and there was no way he would be able to get away with retrieving them without the humans seeing. They couldn't stop him taking the drugs, of course, but he had managed to keep the extent of his substance abuse a secret so far and he would rather keep it that way. Drug use was weakness.

He was very drunk. But he still wasn't far gone enough that the starvation felt any better. Waves of pain accompanied by terrible nausea rocked his body, and it wasn't getting better. He shifted his gaze away from the stone as his vision began to blur, and looked down at his hands. He was almost shocked beneath his pain and alcohol induced delirium at how badly his hands were shaking. Shit.

Somehow he got to his feet, but was only just aware of it. He couldn't think – his mind clouded by pain and nausea and drunkenness. He was only vaguely aware as he emptied the contents of his stomach violently onto the heather, falling to his knees again as he did so. And then instinct dragged him back to his feet.

_You're vulnerable. _Instinct told him, _You need strength._

He staggered back through the hidden door into the city and made his way slowly to the palace, the supernatural vampire part of him the only driving force. He could have easily killed in that moment, but he didn't. His body was used to starving, and so was the vampire part of him. Instead of responding in the way that most vampires would in his state, he went automatically to the things he had conditioned himself to turn to. First, physical pain. He dug his nails ruthlessly into his own arm, so that he dripped dark blood.

And then vermillion.

* * *

I should probably explain that vermillion is a drug that vamps use (in this story, vampires don't do drugs in reality). It mimics the effect of drinking gallons of blood and gives them a proper high while eradicating bloodlust. x


	2. Chapter 2

Something woke Jared. He sat up, instantly aware. He didn't go for the light immediately, relying on his other senses before giving himself away with too much movement. He heard nothing for a few seconds, and then there was a quiet hiss. A vampire hiss.

"Gabriel?" He went for the light.

"Don't!" The vampire's voice snapped out of the darkness.

Jared's hand hesitated.

"Why? What are you doing in here?" The vampire never slept with them.

"Needed something from the saddlebags." He sounded strange, as if he were slightly out of breath and gritting his teeth at the same time.

Jared moved his hand for the light again.

"Leave it!" Gabriel snapped, and his commanding tone made Jared hesitate again.

"Why?" He asked, irritated. His eyes were slowly adjusting to the dim light, and he could make out a few shapes. He squinted at the shadows, trying to make out the vampires form.

"You'll wake the others." His voice was weaker, then. That was odd.

"They are in the other rooms, Gabriel. I'm the only one in here." Jared paused, and when the vampire didn't respond immediately, Jared asked, "Is something wrong?"

"No. Go back to sleep." His voice shook slightly as he spoke the words.

This time when Jared reached for the light he ignored the vampire's hiss of warning. He half expected to feel a cold hand grip his and stop him flicking the switch, but nothing stopped him and the room lit up. He blinked several times, dazzled, and heard the vampire groan as the light hit his sensitive eyes.

Jared looked about the room as soon as he could, but didn't see the vampire immediately. It took him a moment to notice Gabriel on the floor, sitting with his back against the wall – only a few paces from where the bags had been dumped.

Initially, Jared felt only confusion. Then he took in the blood on Gabriel's shirt and he leaped out of bed to the vampire's side.

"You're bleeding. What happened? Were you attacked?" Jared's heart beat fast at the idea of something that could take down a vampire as powerful as Gabriel.

He reached to undo the vampire's shirt, but he hissed, harshly, and Jared flinched away. His eyes flicked to Gabriel's face as he frowned in confusion. He opened his mouth to tell the vampire that he needed to take a look at the damage, but forgot what he was going to say as he took in his appearance.

His eyes were the first things that Jared noticed. They were hollowed and grey, watering as if from pain. And his pupils were dilated hugely. A sheen of sweat covered his forehead, and his lips were white. He trembled violently. He looked like he was struggling to maintain consciousness.

"What the hell happened to you?"

Gabriel opened his mouth to respond, but a huge tremor rocked through him and he grit his teeth, hissing involuntarily in pain.

Jared watched in horror, unsure what to do.

"The small saddle bag."

"What?"

"Get me the fucking small saddle bag!" He snarled out, keeping his amber eyes tight shut.

Jared did as he was told, scrambling over on his knees to drag the bag back.

Gabriel spoke weakly through gritted teeth, nothing but pain and a note of defeat in his tone, "At the bottom. Red pouch."

Jared didn't even think: he tore open the zip and tipped out the contents of the bag. A folded red pouch fell out last, about the size of an orange.

A shaking white hand took it from him, and Jared watched as the vampire untied the loop around the top of the pouch. As he pulled it open, it exposed the contents clearly. Pills. Individually wrapped sets of four in clear film. Jared's heart fluttered, and his mind stopped in confusion. He didn't know what he had been expecting, but it wasn't this.

Gabriel picked up a small packet, containing four red pills.

"What are they, Gabriel?" He knew about the vampire's drug use, but… Something screamed at Jared to make him stop, but he was frozen.

Gabriel struggled with shaking hands as he squeezed out two pills, and then finally pressed them into his mouth. He swallowed, and closed his eyes, leaning his head back against the wall.

Jared watched him, dumbfounded. His mind raced to catch up with the situation.

"Gabriel?" He didn't really know what else to ask, as questions bombarded his mind.

The vampire opened his eyes and raised his head. His gaze seemed much more focussed, now, and his eyes less hollow, but his pupils were still blown wide.

"What was that?" Jared asked, after a few seconds.

Gabriel just blinked and looked down at the packets of pills, still exposed on the floor. He sat forwards and began to push them back into the red pouch. His hands had stopped trembling.

"Gabriel!" Jared snapped, frustrated at being ignored.

The vampire didn't even pause; he just stuffed the red pouch into his pocket and stood. He stumbled slightly as he rose, but steadied himself on the wall. Jared rose beside him, watching him in concern.

"Are you okay?" His eyes flicked to the blood on Gabriel's shirt.

"Yes."

"Were you attacked?"

Gabriel paused for a moment, and then answered, "…Yes. Just a minor thing. They are dead now, but one of them did catch me with a blade. It's already healed."

Jared nodded, satisfied. "Okay…" He paused, "Are you going to tell me what those pills were?"

Gabriel's eyes flicked to Jared's as he made eye-contact for the first time. The hugs pupils sent shivers down Jared's spine.

"They were pain killers." He looked away, "And they just help speed up the healing a bit."

"…Right." Jared didn't know whether to believe the vampire or not.

He needed to get out of there. Every time Jared spoke and his warm breath brushed Gabriel's cold skin, his teeth tingled with desire. It didn't help that the human smelled unnaturally good – too good for his own safety.

But he also didn't feel like he _could_ move just yet. The vermillion had helped: the terrible trembling had stopped and the pain had lessened, but the drug hadn't completely taken effect, so strength was yet to return to his limbs. His vision had not yet taken on the warm tinge that vermillion always gave, and the blood lust was not completely soothed.

He answered Jared's questions evasively, struggling to focus for long enough to string together sentences without blurting the truth. He was only half aware of what he was saying, still drunk from alcohol and blood lust and pain.

Gabriel still had his hand pressed firmly against the wall, supporting himself. The shaking had stopped, but he didn't look steady. Jared knew the vampire enough to know that he spent as little time around the humans in his team as possible – he knew that Gabriel wouldn't still be there if he was able to move from the room.

Suddenly, Jared didn't believe his story. He had seen the vampire with injuries enough to kill a human several times over, and they had not even phased him. In fact, Jared had never seen him display weakness at all before – he never flinched in pain, or even winced. He just ignored it and it was always healed in a matter of minutes.

He reached for Gabriel's shirt, and was surprised when his hand made contact. The vampire never allowed anyone to touch him. Jared glanced up to see that Gabriel's eyes were half closed, unseeing, jaw clenched tight down. His heart thumping at the contact, Jared lifted Gabriel's shirt upwards, away from whatever wound was beneath.

He frowned at what he saw. It definitely wasn't a knife wound. It looked more like claws or nails had ripped through the flesh on his stomach. Jared lifted his shirt higher and found more of the marks further up. They had stopped bleeding, but they certainly weren't healed.

Suddenly the vampire flinched away from him.

"What are you doing?" He snarled, smacking Jared's hand away.

"That wasn't caused by a blade, Gabriel." He accused, staring the vampire straight in the eyes, "Something clawed you."

They stared at each other for a moment, Gabriel fierce and unrelenting, Jared stubborn and concerned.

"What really happened?"


End file.
